paws a ‘shakin

fear rules me

my hands shake, unsure of what to do, to think.

my heart is thumping so loud, i can hear nothing else.

i’m tell myself, almost minute by minute to “not be afraid”.

this is a familiar feeling to me, except this time, its like fear on crack. i feel myself shutting down, becoming more unable to function with each passing day.

i’ve always liked to think that i was a strong person, just like my grandma, but the truth is, i’m not. the older I get, the more i want to hide out in my house, the begining of agoraphobia perhaps?

i’m on a cliff, about to jump off to an uncertain future.

literally…my hands shake ALL the time.

my fear is consuming me…

how….?

I’ve worked on so many things in the last two years. Physically, I’m better after a scary jump off into corrective surgery land.

It’s like the healthier I become, the more my fear takes over. Telling some one about said fear, well that is impossible too.

My fear of money..or lack of money is part of this, but I’m starting to believe it is not ALL of it.

I feel so out of my own control. I know I need to hunker down and process this. I’m 56 years old, and I don’t want the remainder of my life to be lived in fear-mode.

Just HOW do I stop this?