Do you ever find yourself facing the scariest parts of yourself? Well, that’s where I am tonight. Looking at things I don’t really want to see. Facing truths I’m not sure I’m strong enough to bear. Oh well. Shadow dancing and ghost writing. Reconnecting with a past that feels as if it’s right behind me, only to realize time has gone by faster than I ever realized it could.
I was a bitch to my kids today. I took my anger out on them. Sometimes it’s really easy for me to do that because I am angry at them. I’ve babied and coddled them for far too long, and all of the sudden it feels like the Rock of Gibraltor weighing down on me. Crushing me. My kids are my world, my life, my greatest loves….and I feel like I’ve fucked them up. Maybe I have. Maybe they came into this world knowing the path they could walk, and that everything in life is preordained. Who the fuck knows?? I do know, I’m not being the best me I can be for them.
I need to say, there are a few truths I’m facing tonight, that I feel I have to write down, to save for prosperity, to plant my roots.
It’s been years, if ever that I’ve been truly happy. I’ve been floating, thinking that my path would become clear, and I’d find my way to my perfect life in the end. The truth is, I’ve let my life be ruled by my fear. I’ve made bad choices, because of this. Metaphorically speaking, I didn’t let my garden grow. I neglected it. I left it alone. I had time to find my way. Life happened, two preemie babies later, a divorce, coming out as a lesbian, and being a single mom, yeah, I’ve been stressed past the breaking point for the past 15 years.
I think I’m finally waking up….and I don’t like what I see.
I work in a secure government job that is slowly killing my soul. My supervisor is a rotten person who delights in making my life harder than it has to be. He does this to the extent, my co-workers notice.
I have been living with two auto immune conditions, severe degenerative osteo arthritis for the past decade. My life revolves around my “pain”. My “pain” is often referred to as a 3rd person. In my head it is a “he” and he tosses me around like a rag doll. He makes it impossible for me to sleep. No sleep makes working impossible. My pain also revolves around my knee’s almost 80%. This pain is constant, sharp, throbbing and intense. It consumes me most days, and I’m almost away holding my breath at the end of the day because it has crossed from manageable to intolerable. It’s when this is happening to me, that I’m sharpest with my kids. I’m truly angry because they ARE lazy teenagers who do nothing to help me. I love them and I’m fed up with them at the same time. My feelings get hurt and I fall into the darkest place of my soul.
So I’ve made a decision. I’m having knee replacement surgery this summer. I still don’t know quite how I’m going to pull it off, but I know if I don’t, I’m giving up my life, truly. I’ll be bedbound before I can spin around. I don’t want to live my life in so much pain I can’t breathe. So I’m doing this, I’m jumping from the bridge and hoping like hell I don’t crash.
my montana lair 